153
I remember as I was sitting in the dock on the occasion of my last trial listening to Lockwood’s[153.1] appalling denunciation of me—like a thing out of Tacitus, like a passage in Dante, like one of Savonarola’s indictments of the Popes at Rome[153.2]—and being sickened with horror at what I heard. Suddenly it occurred to me, “How splendid it would be, if I was saying all this about myself !” I saw then at once that what is said of a man is nothing. The point is, who says it. A man’s very highest moment is, I have no doubt at all, when he kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of his life[153a]. So with you. You would be much happier if you let your mother know a little at any rate of your life from yourself. I told her a good deal about it in December 1893, but of course I was forced into reticences and generalities. It did not seem to give her any more courage in her relations with you. On the contrary. She avoided looking at the truth more persistently than ever. If you told her yourself it would be different. My words may perhaps be often too bitter to you. But the facts you cannot deny. Things were as I have said they were[153b], and if you have read this letter as carefully as you should have done you have met yourself face to face.
记得在最后那场审讯中我坐在被告席上，听着洛克伍德律师对我所作的骇人听闻的谴责——听着就像塔西佗的口气、像但丁写的哪一段、像萨沃那洛拉对罗马教皇的控诉——听着他的话，我毛骨悚然。 突然间，心中冒起一个念头：“假如是我自己在这么说自己，那该有多好！” 于是豁然看到，怎么说一个人并不重要。重要的是，谁说的。一个人最辉煌的时刻，我毫不怀疑，是他跪倒在地，双手捶胸，将一生的罪孽和盘托出之时[153a]。在你也一样。如果你亲口把自己的生活不管怎样说一些给你母亲听，现在也会觉得畅快得多。我在18 9 3年的十二月跟她说了很多，但当然有的不得不避而不谈，有的只能泛泛而谈。在如何处理同你的关系上，这似乎没给她增添什么勇气。恰恰相反。她反而对真相更是讳莫如深了。假如是你自己说的，那就会不一样。也许我的话你听了常会觉得太逆耳。但事实是无可抵赖的。我说的并无添油加醋[153b]。如果你把这封信像你应该的那样认认真真看了，那就是与本人直面相对了。
153