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When I tell you that between the autumn of 1892 and the date of my imprisonment I spent with you and on you more than ￡5000 in actual money[9a], irrespective of the bills I incurred, you will have some idea of the sort of life on which you insisted [9b]. Do you think I exaggerate? My ordinary expenses with you for an ordinary day in London — for luncheon, dinner, supper, amusements, hansoms and the rest of it — ranged from ￡12 to ￡20, and the week’s expenses were naturally in proportion and ranged from ￡80 to ￡130. For our three months at Goring my expenses (rent of course included) were ￡1340. Step by step with the Bankruptcy Receiver I had to go over every item of my life. It was horrible. “Plain living and high thinking”[9.1] was, of course, an ideal you could not at that time have appreciated [9c], but such extravagance was a disgrace to both of us. One of the most delightful dinners I remember ever having had is one Robbie and I had together in a little Soho cafe, which cost about as many shillings as my dinners to you used to cost pounds. Out of my dinner with Robbie came the first and best of all my dialogues[9d].[9.2] Idea, title, treatment, mode, everything was struck out at a 3 franc 50 c. table-d’h?te[9e]. Out of the reckless dinners with you nothing remains but the memory that too much was eaten and too much was drunk. And my yielding to your demands was bad for you. You know that now. It made you grasping often: at times not a little unscrupulous: ungracious always. There was on far too many occasions too little joy or privilege in being your host. You forgot — I will not say the formal courtesy of thanks, for formal courtesies will strain a close friendship — but simply the grace of sweet companionship, the charm of pleasant conversation, that τερπυòυ κακ?υ as the Greeks called it, and all those gentle humanities that make life lovely, and are an accompaniment to life as music might be, keeping things in tune and filling with melody the harsh or silent places[9f]. And though it may seem strange to you that one in the terrible position in which I am situated should find a difference between one disgrace and another, still I frankly admit that the folly of throwing away all this money on you, and letting you squander my fortune to your own hurt as well as to mine, gives to me and in my eyes a note of common profligacy to my Bankruptcy that makes me doubly ashamed of it[9g]. I was made for other things[9h].
我告诉你，从1 8 9 2年秋到我入狱那一天，看得见的我就同你以及为你花了不止5000英镑的现金[9a]，还不算付的账单呢。这样你对自己所坚持的是什么样的生活，就会明白一二了[9b]。你认为我是夸大其词吗？我与你一起在伦敦普普通通的一天的普普通通的花销——午餐、正餐、夜宵、玩乐、马车及其他——大概在12至20英镑之间，每周的花销相应的自然也就在80到130英镑之间。我们在戈灵的三个月，我的花费（当然包括房租）是1340英镑。一步一步的，我不得不同破产案的财产管理人回顾我生活中的每一个细节。太吓人了。“平实的生活，高远的理念”这一理想，当然了，你那时还无法体味[9c]，但如此的铺张奢侈却是令你我都丢脸的一件事。我记得平生最愉快的一顿饭是同罗比在索赫的一家咖啡馆吃的，所花的钱按先令算，数目同你我用餐时花的英镑差不多。同罗比的那顿饭使我写出了第一则也是最精彩的对话[9d]。意念、标题、处理方式、表达手法，一切全在一顿三法郎半的套餐上敲定[9e]。而同你的那些挥霍无度的餐宴之后，什么也没留下，只记得吃得太多、喝得太多了。你的要求我频频迁就，这对你很不好。你现在明白了。我的迁就使你更经常地伸手索要，有时很不择手段，每次都显得粗鄙低下。太多太多次了，宴请你而不觉得有多少欢乐或荣幸。你忘了——我不说礼貌上的道谢，因为表面的礼貌会令亲密的友情显得局促——我说的不过是好朋友相聚的雅趣、愉快交谈的兴致，那种希腊人称之为τερπυòυ κακ?υ的东西；还有一切使生活变得可爱的人性的温馨，像音乐一样伴随人生的温馨，使万物和谐、使艰涩沉寂之处充满乐音的温馨[9f]。虽然你也许觉得奇怪，一个像我这样潦倒的人还会去分辨这样丢人和那样丢人的不同，但我还是要老实地承认，这么一掷千金地在你身上花钱，让你挥霍我的钱财，害你也害我；做这等蠢事对我来讲、在我看来，使我的破产带上了那种庸俗的由穷奢极欲而倾家荡产的意味，从而令我倍加愧怍[9g]。天生我材，另有他用[9h]。
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