138
People used to say of me that I was too individualistic. I must be far more of an individualist than I ever was[138a]. I must get far more out of myself than I ever got, and ask far less of the world than I ever asked. Indeed my ruin came, not from too great individualism of life, but from too little. The one disgraceful, unpardonable, and to all time contemptible action of my life was my allowing myself to be forced into appealing to Society for help and protection against your father. To have made such an appeal against anyone would have been from the individualist point of view bad enough, but what excuse can there ever be put forward for having made it against one of such name and aspect[138b]?
人们常说我自为心态太浓了。现在我必须比过去任何时候更自为得多才是[138a]。我向自己索取，应该比过去任何时候都多得多才是，我向世界索取，应该比过去任何时候都少得多才是。的确，我之所以身败名裂，不是因为生活中自为主义太多，而是太少。我生活中那个丢脸的、不可饶恕的、永远是可鄙的举动，是让自己被迫向社会寻求帮助和保护，来对付你父亲。像这样寻求对付任何一个人，从自为主义的观点看本来已够不好了，但对付的是这样一种心肝嘴脸的人[138b]，又能有什么借口好说呢？
138